Meet me in St. Louis

Just got back from St. Louis on Tuesday after an amazing 5 game, great friends, derby weekend.

And now I have feelings. So many feelings. Feelings that I've never felt before. Feelings I can't name, or comprehend. Feelings I just don't understand, or know what to do with.

I love my St. Louis friends. I make new ones every time I go there. I met Gabe when I was there at the end of June. We met, we talked a little, went to lunch with a group, and from there maintained crazy intense eye contact and slight flirtation for the entire meal. As soon as the meal was done it was just human contact and affection and the best hug in a LONG time, and easy confusing, fun, exciting, we've been drinking, and flirting feelings.

But he is in a relationship. An open one, yes, but a relationship nonetheless (with a derby skater).

We chatted a few times over FB, but nothing overtly flirtatious. An invitation to hang within hours of my arrival from me, excitement to seeing each other soon, some shop business, but mostly just a little chat.

Then he walked into that stupid (it's actually really awesome) coffee shop and we hugged and the feelings started. He's so smart and well spoken, and funny, and charming, and smart, and nice, and nerdy, and honest, and open, and smart, and oh, did I mention handsome? Because he is, all of that. I'm sure he's more, I do barely know him, but there are so many new, exciting, amazing, and also hurting feelings all attached, or existing entirely because of this one person.

Leaving St. Louis is always hard, it makes me sad, it makes me hurt a little, like physically in my chest it hurts. Hugging these people, saying goodbye to my friends, new and less new, it's painful and sad. It's crazy how these superb derby weirdos that I've only really ever spent a few weekends with have had such an amazingly huge impact on my life and feelings. It's crazy that saying goodbye to him at 6:30am on Tuesday at the airport was the worst stl goodbye so far, I've only spent time with him for some hours over six days total. If I didn't have to get on a plane and he didn't have to go to work and Walker wasn't waiting in the car to bring him to work I think I could have let him hold me for another 20 minutes or more. I'm such a tactile person, I love touching everything, I love human contact, those who know me from Tallahassee know this, then I moved to the northeast, people don't hug here, they don't touch, they're not affectionate, it breaks my little Chopsaw heart constantly. To then go to the midwest, where in general I will get awesome full body hugs from my friends is such a huge perk for me. To go to the midwest knowing that the man who has given me some of the best hugs in my life is there and wants to hug me and show physical tactile affection whenever possible is amazing. To then know that he is also in an open relationship is balls.

Saturday after the after party I dropped Walker at his new house, and took his car to bring Gabe home and me to Walker's old apartment where I'd be sleeping for the night. Dropping Gabe off ended with a hug, and an awkward forehead kiss, an almost kiss, a brief mention of his admittedly confusing relationship, and then the declaration that I'm derby, and derby can't be casual, but as long as I'm ok with it, he has no intention of discontinuing his affection towards me.

Sunday I picked him up early, we hooked pinkies on the way to picking up Walker, had breakfast and coffee, then we started a long, hot, 3 game derby day. I met his girlfriend briefly. She's seems nice, and pretty. We parted when he left the after party, he never made it to the after after. It was a day with not enough hugging from him, but plenty of hugs from others.

Monday he worked, I hung out with Walker, then I talked Walker into letting me borrow his car to drive for 30-45 minutes one way to pick Gabe up after work because he wanted to hang out with me. We had gelato, then I brought him home because Walker needed the car. Thought this was the last time I'd see him before I left, we hugged, he kissed my forehead, my cheeks, my face. Then we kissed, and it was awesome and sweet, and a little sad, with a little bit of longing. I left Gabe, and within minutes Walker told me he left his house and didn't need the car. Balls, we totally could have made out.

Tuesday was the 6:00 am ride to the airport, and the half awake 6:30 am goodbye.

Onto the feelings. I feel tense, and excited, and my stomach hurts, and sometimes it's like there are 8,000 or so butterflies all fighting to get out (which then sometimes makes me want to throw up), when I think about him my chest constricts, and my throat tightens and I get happy because of !feelings! and sad because he's there in his situation and I'm here in mine. When we touch I feel still, content, peaceful, and also electric, and so alive. I drove him around all weekend, and we just held hands (except when I needed both to drive), or he just put his hand on my arm or my knee, shit we hooked pinkies for awhile like teenagers, it was just so much affection.

I want to call him and talk for hours (I really hate the phone), but I want to hear his voice. To learn all about who he is, where he's from, what he wants out of life, what has hurt him and what has made him triumphant, where he's been and where he's going, where he hopes to go, where he'll never go back to. I just want to sit across from him in silence and memorize his face, his expressive eyeballs, his infectious smile. I want to know him. And even more scary? I want him to know all these things about me, I want to share myself with him. I don't share myself freely, I protect myself and keep my past to myself, and my emotions and feelings mostly stay inside around others because I'm afraid of giving too much of myself so someone can turn around and hurt me. I want to give him all the ammo to hurt me because I feel like he never would.

These feelings are terrifying. I love getting to know my friends, learning about people figuring out what made them who they are, but I've never felt and wanted this so intensely, it's scary. I don't understand it.

I've said it every time I've left the lou, I think I could move to St. Louis tomorrow and be perfectly happy. Now I'm not sure, I could move there and be mostly happy, but I don't think I could move there and be happy while watching him be in this other relationship. I don't know. He said I have a place to stay next time I'm in St Louis, and he knows my place is open to him should he come to New York. I'll most likely be back in stl for a day or two in October should everything work out properly. We'll hopefully talk between then, perhaps on the phone like human people. We'll see what happens, where everything goes.

I'm having other feelings too. All too familiar feelings. Rockity is going through scary medical stuff with her dad. It may be cancer, it may not, it may have already been fixed, it may not. Having a sick parent is in my experience the worst thing I've ever had to deal with. She's in MO, he's in VT, I was in school in Tallahassee, my dad was in Melbourne. It's hard having a sick parent, it's harder being far away, I was only a 5 hour drive away, but it felt like forever. For five years, that drive felt like forever. I don't yet know what Rock will be going through, but I can't help but remember everything that I went through, all the feelings I felt, all the feelings I buried, all the hurt and the pain, and the confusion, and the desperation, and the helplessness, and the anger, and the hope every time they tried something new, and the scary hopelessness that would permeate everything when that something new didn't work. I don't want her to go through that. I hope that she doesn't, but I know that if she does I'll do everything I can to support her, to listen, to let her be sad, to make sure she knows it's totally ok if sometimes she just needs to lay in bed and cuddle with the dogs for 5 hours, to kidnap her and take her away if I'm there, or just talk on the phone or text, or facebook when we're apart. I'll be there if she needs me, I'll step back if she doesn't. I lost friends when my dad died. Not like, we fought and ended our friendship outright, but I haven't spoken with one of my best friends at the time since before he passed 5 years ago. I reached out for her near the end and she never responded. I get it, the thought of a parent being sick is terrifying, it's scary to see someone who you've known for so long (she had known dad for at least 10 years) suddenly disintegrate, it doesn't make it ok. I was left alone by people who should have been there for me, and we'll never be friends again, even if I moved home or she moved here, that abandonment doesn't go away. I don't want Rock to experience that again. I hope she won't. I know she won't from me.

I could move to St. Louis tomorrow, I'm not going to but I could, and I'd be welcomed with open arms and I know that in the long run at least, I'd be happy, and that is the best feeling in the world amongst this gooey, bubbling, viscous, somewhat toxic boiling pot of other feelings.